Everyone seems to think second time moms have it easy. So did I. Until it was my turn to be a second time mom!
When I first found out that I was pregnant for the second time, I imagined that things would be much simpler this time around. After all, I had previous experience to fall back on. Of course there would be problems, but this time I would know how to deal with them. I just had to repeat whatever worked last time, right?
WRONG! It doesn’t happen that way! And it didn’t take me too long to find out that experience doesn’t matter too much when it comes to pregnancy and raising kids.
Somewhere in my 12th week, I began to realize that nothing about my pregnancy was the same as the first time. The morning sickness was unlike anything that I had experienced the previous time. And the same was true of every other pregnancy ‘side-effect’ that I experienced! Worse still, all the remedies that worked so well last time, were of no use this time. I felt like a total newbie! And in a way, I was. I was new to being a second-time mom!
Now, after over 6 months of being a second time mom, I still feel like a new mom. I still don’t know it all and i’m still learning new stuff everyday. But, there are a few things that I’ve learned so far, that I would love to share with all you second-time moms.
Here are some things that you should know about life with a second baby
1. You need to take care of yourself this time too!
Just because you’ve had a baby before, doesn’t mean that your body will snap back to it’s pre-pregnancy state immediately this time. Don’t be in a hurry to get back into action, no matter how capable you feel. Your body needs time to heal and you need to take proper postpartum care to allow this to happen. If you neglect yourself now, it will affect you later.
As a mom, it is natural that you tend to put your kids and their needs before yourself. However, this does not mean that you should neglect yourself. You need to take care of yourself first if you are going to take care of anyone else. If you are constantly exhausted and stressed out, you won’t be doing anyone much good, let alone your kids!
So rest as much as you can, whenever you can. Eat healthy and make time for exercise.
2. You must pay more attention to your older child
Remember that your older child is still a child. He will take time to adjust to the new baby and the amount of attention being lavished upon her. Be patient with him. It might take time, but it will happen.
During the initial months, your new baby doesn’t know anything about attention and is happy to just be fed, burped, cleaned and allowed to sleep! So, show your older child some extra affection during this time. Be careful that he doesn’t feel like he’s being replaced. Let him know that you still love him. Set a few minutes aside to spend exclusively with him – play together, read stories, or just cuddle together! Get him to help you with little things while taking care of the baby and praise him for helping. Let him know that he is playing an important role in looking after the newborn.
3. Things might be different this time around
Some things may be different this time around. So be prepared to make changes. Just because something worked with your first baby doesn’t mean it will work this time too. Be ready to learn new stuff all over again.
For example, maybe breastfeeding went great and effortlessly with your first baby, but you are struggling this time. Maybe you had more time and energy to spend on the baby the last time, but you feel too drained out this time.
It’s fine to make changes and do things differently this time depending on the current circumstances. It doesn’t mean that you are being unfair to your baby or that you love her any less than your first. It just means that things have changed. It’s all perfectly natural.
4. You need to take things as they come
Planning, schedules, routines – forget about it all, during the initial months. Your baby knows nothing about all these things. There will be days when things get absolutely crazy. Instead of letting it get to you, just smile and keep going. Go with the flow and take things one day at a time. (Remember the song?!). Don’t think about the future and worry about what’s to come.
Remember, this is just a phase and things will soon get better. Enjoy each phase while it lasts because it will soon be nothing but a memory. And trust me, you will miss it when it’s gone!
5. You are going to need help, at least in the beginning
Taking care of a newborn takes up a lot of time and energy and having someone to help makes things easier. So, stop being a control freak and ask for help. Let your husband, or mom or a trustworthy friend come in and help in any way that works for you all – maybe they could take charge of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, looking after your older kid. You could even hire a reliable household helper if you have to. Don’t worry that they won’t do things perfectly. Don’t stress over the small stuff. Learn to let go.
6. You need to set priorities
When it comes to household chores, there is always something to be done. But you need to prioritize. You topmost priority right now is looking after yourself and the baby, and making your older kid feel secure. The other stuff can wait. Let somebody else take charge of the other chores. And if some stuff still remains undone or is not done to perfection, so be it.
It doesn’t matter if your house isn’t the cleanest at the moment. It doesn’t matter that the clean laundry doesn’t get folded and put away immediately. Most of these things can wait. Just do whatever absolutely needs to be done and forget about the rest.
For now, just focus your time and energy on your kids. They will grow quickly and you will never get this time with them back.
7. You are not superwoman
Let me say that again – you are not superwoman! Stop trying to be perfect – the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect homemaker! There are no awards to be won. So stop trying to do it all. Do whatever works for you and your baby and your family. Forget what the world says or thinks. As long as you and your family are happy, that’s all that matters!
Nothing in this world can ever be perfect. So please do yourself a favour and stop trying to be perfect. Just do your best and leave the rest to God.
8. It’s okay to say “no”
Learning to say “no” is not easy, especially if you are the kind of person that likes to make others happy. But listen, life as a mom is busy and it’s okay to say “no” to some things that come your way. Don’t say “yes” to stuff just to keep other people happy, if it costs you your sanity.
9. People will still give you unsolicited advice.
This one always amuse me! It doesn’t matter to people that you’ve already had a kid, they will still be telling you what to do and how to do it. They mean well, but it can sometimes be exhausting to listen to the same stuff over and over again!
I have found that the best way to deal with such advice is to just smile and nod your head and finally do what works for you. Of course, some suggestions may actually be useful. Keep what you find useful and forget about the rest. Only you know what’s best for you and your baby and your family.
10. Your older child will find the baby pretty boring
I never saw this one coming. My almost 5 year old son was really excited to have the baby finally arrive home. He had prayed for a baby sister to play with and she was finally here!
But a week after we got back home, he told me that his baby sister was too boring. All she did was sleep all day or nurse. When was she going to start playing with him?!
I told him that the baby needed to grow a bit bigger before she could do stuff. I told him that, in order to grow she should nurse and sleep well and he could help me with taking care of her, so that she could grow quickly!
11. You must set aside some “me” time
After baby number 2, I often joked to my husband that the only “me” time I had, was the time I spent in the loo. Sometimes, not even that! Everyone wanted a piece of me and I desperately needed some time for myself.
When you’re a busy mom, it’s easy to put yourself last. But if you don’t make some time for yourself, you are going to get resentful and grumpy. And that will make the entire household unhappy. So, set aside a few minutes to do something that you enjoy.
12. Things will not always go perfectly or as planned
For example, maybe you decided that you would use cloth nappies for your baby. But you switched over to diapers because they were more convenient and saved time. That’s ok! Only you know your circumstances and what’s best for you.
13. Your second child is a different person
From the moment that she was born, my daughter made it clear that she was in no way similar to her older brother. She has a totally different personality and I have had to adjust my ways to suit her personality. And it’s not easy, because it means that I have to let go of what I already know and learn a ton of new stuff!
More often than not, the second child is nothing like the first. Their needs, wants and behaviours are totally different. So, be prepared to re-learn a lot of stuff. Each child is unique and your parenting will have to change according to the personality of each kid. What works on one will not work on the other, and struggling to make it work is like hitting your head against a brick wall!
Life as a second time mom is not easy, but it is definitely worth it. Your kids will create some beautiful moments together. Enjoy and cherish them.
As a mom, you will never know it all and you will never be perfect. But in the eyes of your kids, you will always be the best. So take it as it comes and enjoy your kids and this precious time together. Everything else can wait… for when the nest is empty!
Enjoy your babies, mama!
– 
Kimberly.